Anything Goes!

2012-01-28T07:30:00.001-05:00

deborah49 sent you this page: 100 Tips About Life, People, and Happiness

Epsom Salts

2009-03-22T08:54:00.001-04:00

The Many Uses of Epsom Salts

Popeye's Found His Wife!

2008-05-21T08:20:00.006-04:00

Oil Companies: 21st Century Crooks

2008-05-20T09:00:00.004-04:00

Associated Gasoline Station, San Jose, California

Associated Oil Company was founded in 1915 by a group of oil well entrepeneurs. They built a pipeline that ended in Martinez, California where they built a refinery. Afterwards, Associated Oil Company spread all over the west coast and continued on to the Hawaiian Islands.

In 1934 an indictmen was brought down by a Federal grand jury in Los Angeles for starting a price war which lowered gas prices to 7-1/2 cents per gallon. This resulted in Associated Oil Company's top executives arrested.

As gas prices move toward $4 a gallon, the current oil company executives have no fear of being prosecuted for bringing the price of gas down. Well, so much for progress...and only in America!

Photo courtesy of V Rogers

Great Truths

2008-05-15T10:35:00.001-04:00

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Letter From The Devil

2008-05-15T10:27:00.001-04:00

My Children of the 21st Century,

Look at you.....Not a care in the world because most of you have had everything given to you including that silver-spoon your Mommy's stuffed in your mouth and forgot to remove it long ago...

21st Century Mommy's are so nice.

They allow their daughters to latch onto Britney, Paris, and every other hollywood trainwreck as role models, and pay no attention to the lyrics of the rap music you listen to or for that matter what musician you drool after. Most of the time, they are humming the tunes on their way to work every morning, focusing on how they can manage to stop by Starbucks, while on their hectic commutes. They are so engrossed in their work and extra-home activities that as long as you are busy and not in their way. Mommies are special people, they give you their plastic money and allow you to shop till you drop, and wear any sexy, slutty, ultra-mini revealing outfit to school and play as long as it has your favorite disney idol's label, not to mention how much you attract all of my prize grown perverts and sexual deviates that lurk at bus-stops, playgrounds and malls, just waiting to pounce. Mommies are like that...yes they are.

Not to worry Mommy's, I'm the man..I'll take care of them, just like they were my own.

For your future pleasure, I've created a multimedia event for all to enjoy that will put the creators of Star Wars, Star Gate and Star Trek to shame...and hopefully you'll all be in it. I've given you extremely dynamic designer drugs to lull you to sleep, enhance your perceptions of the real world, and at the same time keep you clueless... For those of you that are drug-free, I've managed to keep Alcohol which is laughably legal by your country's laws... at the top of the list for college students, rebellious kids, the young troops which help some of you leave this cruel world, or assist others when you get into your car after a night of boozing, clubbing and delirium killing others. Yet, if you survive unscathed by tragedy, you still manage to make it to Sunday School the next day...who say's I'm not fair or that I play dirty!

Alcohol was one of my best drug creations because of it's subtlety, availability and user friendliness...it never allows you to think you can't control it. It begins with social drinking, peer pressure, everybody is doing it so I have to do it to fit in to this group, this family...and you have it by the tail or at least you think you do...soon the roles reverse and it grabs you by the throat.

It's attractive to the hurting, weak and vulnerable...it can be your best friend, giving you comfort when everyone else has departed, when you experience that ultimate break-up from the love of your life, when you catch him/her with another..

As for youth. you're thinking, Mommy and Daddy do it and they seem OK, so it has to be OK for me too!

This is all necessary, because for as long as I can keep you guys, F'd up, drunk'd up, and oblivious to my ultimate plan...you won't see me coming and I'm on my way....you can take that to the bank!

Seven Dwarfs Of Menopause

2008-03-05T13:34:00.001-05:00

You Don't Know Jack Schitt

2008-03-04T18:49:00.001-05:00

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were in separable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials, The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW..... When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely

Crock O. Schitt

If Obama Wins

2008-03-04T18:40:00.007-05:00

Black Hurricanes

2008-03-04T18:39:00.001-05:00

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida , has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be
headin' fo' yo ass like Le roy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'
Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest
guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!

Woman

2008-02-28T09:21:00.003-05:00

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and said,
'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
.......... 'HEBREWS'

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

Ray Charles....Speed Painting...Incredible!

2008-02-26T22:03:00.002-05:00

Will Ferrell - The Landlord

2008-02-17T13:12:00.003-05:00

Go Britney, Give Em Hell!

2008-01-18T13:19:00.001-05:00

It's Britney, Bitch! And...Ms Spears is not the dumb blonde everyone is taking her for. Her latest music accomplishment "Piece Of Me" says it best.

She's a natural born performer, having been in the public eye since age 10 and most assuredly is not the clueless Southern-Bell-Bimbo that the entertainment industry suggests.

The latest claim is that she has "MPD", i.e. Multiple Personality Disorder, and I say Give Britney a break! Perhaps, she has to create another personality just to have a few seconds to herself, come on, how would you react if there were hordes of vultures around you each time you stepped out of your house to go on an errand? So what if she likes to go to Starbucks....so do I, unfortunately we don't have a Starbucks in Gastonia....y'all! Damn, I go to the convenience store every day too...hmmm, I must have MPD also, could be why I'm hearing all of those little voices during the day.

Speaking of "Y'all", as a southern gal myself, "Y'all" is a southern word, just like 'Yooze Guys', "Yooze", etc. "I have nevah made fun of yankee's and the "strange" words they use in a conversation, so I really have a problem with the media, to include "CNN Commentators/Anchors, in all of their professionalism (sarcasm intended), to make snide remarks of southern word usage.

Y'all is a contraction of "You All", meaning all of you...but what the hell is "Yooze", ie, "See Yooze Guys Later"! Are you aware of how "Stupid" that sounds in a conversation?

Britney is from the deep south, so it doesn't take a trained monkey to realize that she is sick and tired of having every word she speaks under scrutiny by the media, so she has brilliantly developed a british accent to more or less say 'SCREW Y'ALL'! I love it!

Amazingly, every sleazy tabloid off or online, would have you believe that the young performers of today, "Lindsay Lohan, Britney, etc" are train-wrecks, pop-wrecks, etc, but seriously, isn't this the way the tabloids and paparazzi earn their money? They are vultures, circling their prey, every minute of the day, swooping down at any given moment to create their tabloid vomit out of thin air, in other words, where there is none.

Speaking of vultures, as for K-Fed, if Britney has any sense at all, she will let him have the children and give up all parental rights. She should do whatever is necessary to avoid funding his lifestyle. Get a job, K-Fed, show those boys how much you really love them, and try supporting them like a normal man!

Britney can have more children! Eventually, when the boys become older, they will learn the truth and as we all know, The Truth Shall Set You Free!

Piece Of Me - Lyrics

I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They still gon put pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…

I’m Miss bad media karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can’t see the harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I’m still an exceptional earner
you want a piece of me?

I’m Mrs. 'Lifestyles of the rich and famous'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Oh my God that Britney’s Shameless'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Extra! Extra! this just in'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'She’s too big now she’s too thin'
(You want a piece of me)

I’m Mrs. ‘You want a piece of me?’
Tryin’ and pissin’ me off
Well get in line with the paparazzi
Who’s flippin’ me off
Hopin’ I’ll resort to some havoc
End up settlin’ in court
Now are you sure you want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…

I’m Mrs. ‘Most likely to get on the TV for slippin' on the streets’
When getting the groceries, no, for real..
Are you kidding me?
No wonder there's panic in the industry
I mean, please, do you want a piece of me?

[Piece Of Me lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I’m Mrs. 'Lifestyles of the rich and famous'
I’m Mrs. 'Oh my God that Britney’s Shameless'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Extra! Extra! this just in'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'She’s too big now she’s too thin'
(You want a piece of me)

I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or shrink away to the Philippines
They still gon put pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece piece Piece of me…

You want a piece of me?

I’m Mrs. 'Lifestyles of the rich and famous'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Oh my God that Britney’s Shameless'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Extra! Extra! this just in'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'She’s too big now she’s too thin'
(You want a piece of me)

I’m Mrs. 'Lifestyles of the rich and famous'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Oh my God that Britney’s Shameless'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'Extra! Extra! this just in'
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. 'She’s too big now she’s too thin'
(You want a piece of me)

Oh yeah
You want a piece of me

Oh yeah

Go Britney, Give Em Hell...All of Em!

Jeff Dunham With Bubba J

2008-01-12T15:27:00.000-05:00

Jeff Dunham And Walter

2008-01-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

Jeff Dunham and Peanut

2008-01-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

Jeff Dunham And Sweet Daddy D

2008-01-12T15:00:00.001-05:00

Christmas Facts You Should Know!

2007-12-26T09:23:00.000-05:00

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Rambo Grandma!

2007-11-28T13:50:00.000-05:00

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, of Melbourne Australia, was so angry when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The Senior Citizen spent a week hunting the men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. After her deed, she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Grandma burst into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one"

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA--- WE NEED HER

The Bom Chick-A-WahWahs!

2007-10-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

Alicia

2007-09-28T19:42:00.001-04:00

Jackson & Sharpton Will Get A Kick Out Of This!

2007-08-18T01:12:00.000-04:00

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers!

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.=============

What Tree Did You Fall From?

2007-08-03T12:37:00.001-04:00

My Mother was of Welsh descent, strictly Celtic, descending from the Isle of Man and her favorite trees were the Apple and Dogwood. She used to say, touch a tree, feel a heartbeat...and for some reason I have always had this connection with wood...love the touch and smell of hardwood. The list below stems from Ancient Celtic Astrology Below, find your birthday and then find your tree. I'm a Walnut (Walnut Pic featured)what are you?

Dec 23 to Dec 31 - apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree

APPLE TREE (the love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and beloved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

ASH TREE (the Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

BEECH TREE (the Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)

BIRCH TREE (the inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

CEDAR TREE (the Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, Likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

CHESTNUT TREE (the Honesty) - of unusual beauty ,does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

CYPRESS TREE (the Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.

ELM TREE (the Noble-mindedness) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, Modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

FIG TREE (the Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its Family, children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

FIR TREE (the Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontented lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

HAZELNUT TREE (the Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

HORNBEAM TREE (the Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgement in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

LIME TREE (the Doubt) - accepts what life did way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.

MAPLE TREE (Independence of Mind) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, sef-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life wants to impress.

OAK TREE (the Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

OLIVE TREE (the Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

PINE TREE ( the particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappointments until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

POPLAR TREE (the Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

ROWAN TREE (the Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

WALNUT TREE (the Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

WEEPING WILLOW (the Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

Love Dem Bells!

2007-08-03T08:40:00.000-04:00

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Dying Priest Last Request

2007-08-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see George Bush, Jr and Joe Lieberman before I die." whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that Bush and Lieberman would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Lieberman "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."

Lieberman couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Lieberman's hand in his right hand and Bush's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Lieberman spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Lieberman.

"Amen" said Bush.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Bad Buzz!

2007-07-30T20:48:00.000-04:00

That thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done; and there is no new thing under the sun."___ Ecclesiastes 1:9 King James Version.

If the above verse hath truth....then God must have been smoking weed when man was created...Bad Weed!

Britney: Hazardous To Your Child's Health

2007-07-29T07:25:00.000-04:00

Check out the girl on the far right....That's Gotta Hurt!
Britney Spears' Dance

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How To Remove Warts

2007-07-11T08:31:00.001-04:00

My Mother could remove warts, but unfortunately I'm not permitted to disclose her method due to family tradition, however, there are other methods for those not privy to such information.

According to Mark Twain:"You got to go all by yourself, to the middle of the woods, where you know there's a spunk-water stump, and just as it's midnight you back up against the stump and jam your hand in and say:'Barley-corn, barley-corn, injun-meal shorts, Spunk-water, spunk-water, swaller these warts,'and then walk away quick, eleven steps, with your eyes shut, and then turn around three times and walk home without speaking to anybody. Because if you speak the charm's busted."

But seriously, warts respond to being soaked in acid over a period of time. That is why the vinegar and aspirin cures work. Seems silly to me that someone would go to the drugstore and buy aspirin to cure a wart rather than buy the liquid that is designed to remove them. The active ingredient in wart remover is salicylic acid, which is aspirin. It is in an alcohol and ether suspension so that the liquid will dry and stick to the wart.

What they don't tell you on the bottle is the usage of duct tape. Basically you apply the liquid, allow it to dry, and then cover the area with duct tape. In a few days, remove the tape. Scrape the dead skin with a sterile razor blade. If there is anything left of the wart re treat with the liquid and reapply the duct tape. Repeat the process until the wart is completely gone. Essentially, the key is to keep treating.

If you don't remove the entire wart to the core it will come back.I am sure that you could use vinegar, lemon juice, vitamin c, an aspirin tablet, or anything else acidic. Another course of action is Castor oil, a paste made from crushed vitamin C tablets and water, or a moist aspirin tablet (held in place with a band-aid) .

Stoner Jokes....Guaranteed To Make You Laugh!

2007-07-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"

Two old dudes are sittin' around coolin' it. One say to the other, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, Man?" "Oh, I was just reminiscin' 'bout Woodstock". "Man?!!? You wuz never at Woodstock!" Oh,... yeah".

This guy buys some really good stuff. he comes home, rolls a good-sized joint, and starts to decide where to hide the rest of the pot in his room. "Ok I'll hide it under the table," he says to himself. So he hides it under the table. then he thinks for a minute. "Wait if the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "............." And I'll be all fucked up. Well I'll hide it under the bed." ...then he thinks for a minute... "No, wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "............." "And I'd be all fucked up. Well, then I'll hide it on the bookshelf...But wait! If the cops come they'll ask me:" "Do you have any marijuana?" "No." "Do you have it under the table?" "No." "Do you have it under the bed?" "No." "Do you have it..." "OH FUCK!!! WHERE DID I HIDE IT??........"

A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes." The stoner says, "I want a six-inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six-inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish? asks the genie. "I want a twelve-inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. "And the third wish?" "I want a twenty-inch joint!!" POOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."

There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women, i could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him. The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. he goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door. One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "i'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too. The devil then comes to the third door. he opens it and sees nothing has changed. the stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The Devil asks him if he's learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "You gotta light, man?"

Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?

A: Put it under the soap.

Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?

A: Put it in his work boots.

Q: What do you call 20 female hippies in a sauna?

A: Gorillas in the mist.

Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?

A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.

Did you hear about the stoners that locked their keys in the car ? It took them two hours to get out.

Q. How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?

A. You pass him a joint.

Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana ?

A. A pot belly

Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs ?
A. Double jointed.

Two stoners are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other stoner says you better get to know him better first.

Q. How do fish party ?

A. Seaweed.

Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?

A. Malnutrition.

Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?

A. A Liar.

Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?

A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.

Stoner good fortune: When you are cleaning your room and find some hooch you forgot about.

Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey i have a 9 inch joint.

You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.

There is a thin line between love and hate. Its starts about halfway through the joint.

Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of good pot.

Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ? A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios ? A: He thought they were donut seeds.

Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.

The stoner went to a bar. He has'nt had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.

Evil Marijuana
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained,"pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? Now that's absurd!" "Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

This is a story to tell someone when they're high.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"

"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" "He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?" The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!" The woman then gave the officer her license. "I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?" The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.

The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."

"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."

The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave.

You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?

Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.

Limerick: There once was a bud named B.C. He grew on a 7 foot tree Till one day I plucked him Rolled him&smoked him And now I can barely see!

One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor

One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend's house. I walked up to her and said, "You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it."

Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse? A. None. Alligators can't fly.

A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."

A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"

Why do people have lawn mowers? Because cows don't fit in the garage.

Q: What's the point of a weed wacker? A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!

This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"

Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!

A: stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor. "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

Question: What do you call a circle of blondes? Answer: A dope ring.

I woz here, but now I'm not,
I'm round da corner smokin' pot!
I've wrote this message 2 prove a point,
Life is shit without a joint!

To err is human, to spark up divine....

Question: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu? Answer: Tokemon!

Pot will get you through times with no money, better then money will get you through times with no pot....

OK, so... it's Jesus and he sees that planet earth is going down the drain and the reason is because so many people die because of something called... drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus... The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find Johnny boy?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called hash..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it to see what makes people like it..." he tries it and... he likes it! Then Paul comes with some cocaine... Jesus tries it and he likes that too!!! Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus is fucking stoned... He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile... "Sssooooo..... Judas, my brother" he says, "What did you bring?" Judas: "Err... I brought the cops..."

These 2 guys are chatting: Guy One: "I love to smoke hash." Guy Two: "Yea me too, but I heard it causes short term memory loss." Guy One: "I've never seemed to have any problem with that." Guy Two: "A problem with what?"

I'm not as think as you stoned I am....

Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So, if at first you don't suceed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed.

Question: What does Andy Pandy get when he goes down on Raggidy Ann? Answer: Cotton Mouth.

Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly!

Try A Little Honey For The "Bod's Sake"!

2007-07-02T17:03:00.000-04:00

Ladies, this has got to be worthy trying...to shed those extra pounds for the summer, let's go for the "Fall Meltdown" since Bikini season is well underway.
For Weight loss. Twice daily, once at night, and one in the morning ½ hour before breakfast drink a cup of boiled hot water with honey and cinnamon. It’s been said that even the most obese patient can lose weight and drinking this mixture doesn’t allow the fat to accumulate in the body.

Judge: Lap Dances Protected By Constitution

2007-07-02T11:55:00.000-04:00

SALEM, Ore. — A Marion County judge said lap dances in Salem are protected by the free speech provisions of the Oregon Constitution.

Judge Albin Norblad's ruling struck down a city ban Friday on "prohibited touching" — sexually exciting physical contact for pay.

The case involves 24-year-old Laurel Guillen, a dancer at a Salem club called Cheetah's, who gave a lap dance to an undercover officer in 2005.

Salem residents hoping to limit Salem strip club activity called the ruling a setback. They said they hope to get a measure on the ballot to amend the state constitution to strengthen local government regulation of strip clubs.

Cheetah's does not serve alcohol and is open to people 18 and older.

Salem City Attorney Randall Tosh declined comment but said the city would review the ordinance and consider an appeal.

Source: Fox News

Zitney Spears

2007-07-02T10:24:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise worships Lucifer say Christians!

2007-06-26T23:35:00.001-04:00

(Hollywood, CA) With Scientology making headlines recently and actor Tom Cruise being the most vocal adherent, a Christian group ‘The Resistance’ is trying to help people learn the truth about what they say is a satanic cult.

L. Ron Hubbard was a known student of the infamous Satanist, Aleister Crowley, who actually wrote instructions for human sacrifices in his book Magick: In Theory and Practice.

“Yes, Tom Cruise worships Satan. I don’t say this as an insult, or as an ad hominem attack. I seriously and literally mean he worships Satan, although most occultists, call him Lucifer the light bearer.

In the Garden of Eden, Satan said if Man took the forbidden fruit that he would become just like god, actually becoming equal to God, and that is what occultists people believe.

They believe they themselves, are gods” explains Mark Dice, author of ‘The Resistance Manifesto.’ And the beliefs get even more bizarre, and dangerous.

Scientology is the creation of 20th century science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, whose book Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health was published in 1950 beginning the doctrine of Scientology. Hubbard and his work received tremendous criticism from the mental health community as being blatantly false.

With Tom Cruise, and now apparently Katie Holmes being involved in Scientology, ‘The Resistance’ is worried that these Hollywood celebrities are sucking confused and spiritually starved people into a satanic cult.

Dice addresses Tom directly saying, “If you want a real religion, try going to a Christian Church, Tom, it’s free.”

“Sometimes I find it hard not to laugh at how silly Scientology is, but it’s really a serious satanic cult, and is deceiving lower level members as to the organization’s real motives and beliefs. Scientology is a secret society, similar to other occult hierarchies such as the Freemasons, Skull and Bones.”

Mark Dice is the author of ‘The Resistance Manifesto’ and an activist in The Resistance. The group’s website is www.TheResistanceManifesto.com ‘The Resistance’ is a global movement of Christians dedicated to preserving the true Christian faith and resisting the erosion of morals in society, and in the media.

Contact: Mark Dice
Email: Mark@TheResistanceManifesto.com

Suck It Up Bitch!

2007-06-22T17:44:00.000-04:00

Summertime....and the living is easy!

2007-06-20T07:56:00.000-04:00

Summer Solstice(June 21)The timing of the summer solstice depends on when the Sun reaches its farthest point north of the equator. This occurs annually sometime between June 20 and 22. This year, it occurs exactly at 2:06 P.M. EDT, heralding the beginning of summer. The word solstice is from the Latin sol (sun) and stitium (to stop), reflecting the fact that the Sun appears to stop at this time (and again at the winter solstice).

Midsummer DAY (June 24)Midsummer Eve and Midsummer Day are considered sacred to lovers.On Midsummer Eve, pick seven different wildflowers, and then walk home silently and backward. Place the flowers under your pillow and dream of your future husband.In Lithuanian tradition, the dew on Midsummer Day morning was said to make young girls beautiful and old people look younger. It was also thought that walking barefoot in the dew would keep your skin from getting chapped.

Joss Stone Speaks Out

2007-06-11T02:03:00.000-04:00

http://video.accesshollywood.com/player/?id=117559

The Devil Wears Prada And So Do Country Gals!

2007-06-04T07:58:00.000-04:00

The Devil Wears Prada and..... of course, Carolina's American Idol Reject, Kellie Pickler following after her Role-Model, Dolly....get's a set of new boobs and not only dons the Red High Heel's but manages to record a hit Single...."Red High Heels!

The Pope looks rather dashing in his red ruby slippers, and they are a nice compliment to the Gold....but he needs to lose that funky "Imperial Wizard" hat!

Also, perhaps a pair of Michael Jackson Glitter socks would also add to the regality of his outerwear!

So, I would say that Red shoes are definately in this year!

Actually, I believe the Pope is wearing "Gucci"!

Best Drug Around, and it's 100% Legal!

2007-05-25T03:16:00.000-04:00

Tarheels Get Ready For The Bama Band June 15th!

2007-05-25T03:04:00.000-04:00

Chasers Beach Club in Oak Island, NC presents the one and only "Bama Band" June 15, 2007 at 9:00 PM! If you do not know about Chasers Beach Club, visit

http://www.chasersbeachclub.com

So grab all of your rowdy friends and head over to Chasers for Southern Rock at it's best with Billy Earheart and The Bama Band!

Visit DebbiJean Promotions @ MySpace

2007-05-25T02:58:00.000-04:00

http://www.myspace.com/debbijeanpromotions

Craigslist: To the guy who had sex last night in front of my house

2007-05-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

You are not supposed to park where you do – at any time of the day. I consider myself a reasonably nice person that is why you haven’t been ticketed, towed, etc. However, today I draw the line. You have been parking your ugly car in front of my house every Monday through Thursday since January fairly regularly.

You are blocking my view of the street. Perhaps you have merely overlooked the rather larger sign stating the rules for parking in this area whilst concentrating on maneuvering your car perfectly into position; and if that is the case, please, allow me to clarify: There is NO Parking (here) at any time except with an area 14 residential permit. This is a college town and parking is a nightmare, I know. However I presume that your reading skills are not what is at fault here. You think you are being really clever (by avoiding having to purchase a school permit or ride the bus).You know that APD has more important things to do then worry about petty parking crimes and you probably assumed that no one would care. This is WRONG.

You are allowed to park permit-free further up the street should you feel the need, but this is a more residential area where “real” people live with their children and would rather you didn’t park wherever and drive around at all hours of the day . . . which leads me to my next point.

DO NOT boff some girl in said car in front of my house, parked illegally on my street, under a freakin street lamp. This is college town, did you think no one would see? I mean seriously dude. If you were that horny, perhaps you should have moved to the backseat – that would have prevented repeated honking of the horn. I would have never even known what was going on if my walls weren’t so thin and the honking so regular (my god who goes on like that for well over an hour on a well lit street in front of a stranger’s house?).

I don’t really care if you have to have sex in your car because you still live at home with mom and dad, I just want to enjoy a peaceful honk-free evening in the serenity of my own home. I do hope you understand this. If this car (and surrounding area) look familiar to you (see pic.) . . . please, please, please park somewhere . . . anywhere else. P.S. You look like you’re 12 years old. Oh yeah and Thank You. I don’t think I will ever be able to own a Toyota. As far as I could tell from the violent rocking of your car, they seem poorly constructed and well quite frankly, now they remind me of you.

Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter

2007-05-24T16:46:00.000-04:00

I'm a Craigslist Addict....Craigslist is so much better than EBAY! Craigslist doesn't ask you for your bank account, it doesn't require you to have a "PayPal" account to be scammed, spammed, spoofed, phished and ramrodded by the Geeks that crash your account and sell bootlegged printers, copiers, laptops!
That actually happened to me! Ebay sent me a notice that I owed $350 for laptops posted to my account....I flipped and immediately contacted their security department and they took care of the matter. Once burned, twice shy....
Since I'm a Wheeling, Dealing Southern Bell with an attitude, I stumbled upon "Ye Wonderful Craigslist" and I check it daily, and I'm an addict...! While browsing one day I ran across this ad.....

April 8, 2007
At about 7:00p.m. tonight, after a near-perfect day in Santa Cruz, the evening was shattered by a frenetic, biblically ugly dog.I was driving home on Corral de Tierra Road near the country club, and nearly hit a small furry thing running in the road. Well, I didn't hear a thump, so I looked in the rear view mirror, and there was still a black dot running up the road. So I turned around, parked and got out of my truck. It was quickly apparent that it was a little dog, which came running toward me, oblivious of traffic. It nearly ran under a passing SUV on the way. As it got closer, I got a look at it. It is about the size of a bread box, and looks like a turd with fur.

It darted at me, and right passed me, in a game of suicide tag. Traffic on that part of the road does about fifty and it was getting dusky. On the third pass, the dog did a sweeping turn in to the road, and a large truck had to cross into oncoming traffic to avoid it.So I decided to see if it had a tag, which it did not. Has a collar though. So, knowing that being a tiny black dog playing with fast traffic at night would almost certainly be a less than stellar life choice, I scooped the wet, smelly critter up and took it home. I have now spent fifty-seven minutes with the dog in my house, and can describe some things about it.:
It looks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman and an Ewok.
It smells bad.
It was very thirsty.
It was very hungry.
It wants to be friends
It is some class of terrier
It is pitch black.
It is probably a she.
Its kidneys are functioning properly.
It is not very bright.
The dog walks toward and then past my file cabinet, pauses, thinks better of Plan A and whips quickly around in an about face - and smacks it face square against the metal file cabinet. Acts completely undaunted and saunters off to stand in the middle of the room, staring blanky at the wall. So I get up and let it out to piss. The dog spends fifteen minutes outside and does nothing. I let it back in, and it promptly pisses on the rug. This dog is really stupid, and really ugly
If this is your dog, I do not expect you will be rushing to claim it. Nevertheless, I will be posting signs around tomorrow, and contacting the SPCA. If this is your dog, please claim it. No reward required - having the dog gone will be reward enough.
So, obviously your dog is missing or you wouldn't be looking at this ad. You're reading it, going "No way. That couldn't be my precious Wumsypoo". The problem is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder - this IS your dog, and deep down, you know it is. So come claim her/him/it.
831-484-2193
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 9, 2007
OK, I let your dog out at 7:30 this morning to piss, and it took off for the hills like a rocket. Fifteen of my valuable minutes later, I located it. This is what it looked like (note the Dustin Hoffman resemblance):

What is the "Secret"?

2007-05-04T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Secret seems to be the buzz on the net, and of course, is filtrating many of the New Agey areas but that really doesn't surprise me. There is nothing "New Age" about it, it's a Universal Law, which has been in operation since the beginning of time, which also puzzles me why they call it the "Secret"! Where can it be found? In just about any ancient scripture known to man, irregardless of the faith. You don't have to be a Protestant, Jew, Catholic to understand it, it's taught in Buddhist thought, Protestantism/Catholicism (in so many edited words),
Jesus came to teach it, and they killed him for it. Nobody wanted to hear about forgiveness, love, charity, hope, because mankind has always been hell-bent on hatred, war, killing, greed, avarice and animosity. Sad, that over the course of decades...centuries, the lesson has yet to be learned. The following was sent to me, through a network. It basically sums up the essence of the "Secret" better known as the "Law Of Attraction".

There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe. A thought in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought. A person can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance can cause the thing he thinks about to be created. In order to do this, a person must pass fromthe competitive to the creative mind. Otherwise he cannot be in harmony with formless intelligence, which is always creative and never competitive in spirit. A person may come into full harmony withthe formless substance by
entertaining a livelyand sincere gratitude for the blessings it bestowsupon him.
Gratitude unifies the minds of individualswith the intelligence of substance,
so that a person's thoughts are received by the formless.

A person can remain upon the creative planeonly by uniting himself with the formless intelligence through a deep and continuous feeling of gratitude. A person must form a clear and definitemental image of the things he wishes to have, todo, or to become, and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the supreme that all his desires are granted to him.

The person who wishes to get rich must spend his leisure hours in contemplating his vision, and in earnest thanksgiving thatthe reality is being given to him. Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of frequent contemplation of the mental image, coupled with unwavering faith and devout gratitude.

This is the process by which the impression is given to the formless and the creative forces set in motion. The creative energy works through the established channels of natural growth, and of the industrialand social order.

All that is included in his mental image will surely be brought to theperson who follows the instructions given above,and whose faith does not waver. What he wantswill come to him through the ways of established trade and commerce.In order to receive his own when it is ready to come to him, a person must be in action in way that causes him to more than fill his present place. He must keep in mind the purpose to getrich through realization of his mental image.

And he must do, every day, all that can be done thatday, taking care to do each act in a successfulmanner.He must give to every person a use value in excess of the cash value he receives, so that eachtransaction makes for more life, and he must hold the advancing thought so that the impression ofincrease will be communicated to all
with whom he comes into contact.The men and women who practice the foregoing instructions will certainly get rich, and theriches they receive will be in exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.

And God Said........

2007-05-04T07:38:00.000-04:00

And God said: 'Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years;__Genesis 1:14

Moon in Scorpio May 1, 2007 to May 3, 2007
Sun in Taurus Apr 20, 2007 to May 21, 2007
Mercury in Taurus Apr 26, 2007 to May 11, 2007
Venus in Gemini Apr 11, 2007 to May 7, 2007
Mars in Pisces Apr 6, 2007 to May 15, 2007
Saturn in Leo Jul 16, 2005 to Sep 2, 2007
Uranus in Pisces Dec 30, 2003 to May 27, 2010
Neptune in Aquarius Nov 27, 1998 to Apr 4, 2011
Pluto in Sagittarius Nov 10, 1995 to Jan 25, 2008

Abbreviations 2007

2007-04-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

After listening to several commercials on TV advertising medicine, I realized that we are subtlely becoming hit with a barrage of diseases that have become abbreviated.
For example, P.A.D is Peripheral Artery Disease, P.M.S is Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, C.O.P.D is Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder and on and on

It dawned on me, while listening to all of this, that the Disease A.I.D.S must be Army Induced Disease Syndrome.....works for me!

Beautiful Words

2007-04-29T11:56:00.001-04:00

Family
Destiny
Light
Hope
Charity
Friendship
Love
Faith
Laughter
Joy
Kindness
Understanding
Peace
Forgiveness
Happiness...
There is a destiny that makes us brothers
None goes his way alone
All that we send into the lives of others
Comes back into our own

Now That's What I'm Talking About!

2007-04-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

Fruit Of The Vine, Fountain Of Youth!

2007-04-18T19:47:00.000-04:00

According to Spanish researchers, red wine is a good source of melatonin, a naturally occuring hormone that delays the inflammation that causes your body to age. Melatonin can also be found in onions, cherries, bananas,coran oats, rice, mint and thyme....think I'll have the glass of wine!

Sniff This To Boost Your Mood!

2007-04-18T18:36:00.000-04:00

You can call it "Weird Science" or perhaps some science-type macho male's from UCLA at Berkely calling themselves Scientists have found that the compound "Androstadienone" found in male perspiration causes a lift in mood and alertness in women when they inhale it! Ok Ladies, the next time your man walks through the door after a sweaty run, or a rough day at the office/factory....grab that Tshirt and let it take you away.....!!

Here's A Brain Tickler For You!

2007-04-18T09:38:00.000-04:00

This morning, I was looking through some of my old posts and a good friend of mine had posted this some time ago. Grab a cup of coffee and see if you can come up with an answer!

James Banner said ... (5:14 AM) :

If you have 519 sins to commit and you've already committed 143 sins and have already planned 54 more sins, and assuming all of the sins you've comitted were planned, and it takes 16 hours to plan a sin and 3 hours to commit each sin but you can only plan & commit a sin on a day with an even-numbered day, then how many days will it take to plan and commit all of these sins?

Krispy Kreme Calendar Gals!

2007-04-16T17:10:00.000-04:00

Click on Pic to Zoom!

The Purina Diet

2007-04-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

A guy was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for his dog and was in line to check out.
A woman behind him asked if he had a dog.
Supposedly on impulse, he told her no, he was starting The Purina Diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that he lost 50 pounds before he awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.
He continued, telling her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Little Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with this guy's story, particularly a tall guy behind him.
Horrified, this lady asked if he'd been poisoned and was that why he was in the hospital.
He said, No....he'd been sitting in the street licking his balls and a car hit him.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Ponder These,....

2007-04-16T08:40:00.000-04:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

**
Gardening Rule:
When weeding,the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

**
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

**
Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

**
There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

**
Life is sexually transmitted.

**
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

**
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

**
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

**
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

**
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

**
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

**
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

**
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

**
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingies here, and drink whatever comes out?"

**
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

**
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

**
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

**
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

**
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

**
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

**
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

**
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

**
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

**
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

**
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Source: Anonymous

Did You Know?

2007-04-15T22:03:00.000-04:00

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight & sleep tight."

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based; this period was called the honey month or what was known today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had "Censored)" (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Source: Anonymous

Gaston Classified

2007-04-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

This was taken from a local classified section....only in Gaston County!!

howdy yall my grandmaw has an older mitsubishi big screen tv on her front porch that she wants gone asap. i think its a 46 inch. it worked good for a while, then you would have to beat it to come on, now it dont come on at all. dont know why and aint got time to look at it. it located off of highway 5 heading towards york. you would have to give me at least 5 dollars in gas money so that i can meet you and take you to where tv is. i have to be there. and need a couple guys to help move, its heavy. need gone asap. sorry no pics

Middle Eastern TV Listings

2007-03-24T17:53:00.001-04:00

Middle Eastern TV Listings for Today

6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a
Stinger missile launcher.

9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
objects.

12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
the world.

13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
cooking.

14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
to Hamas.

14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
appeal is revealed.

15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
religious leaders.

17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
running?

19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will
contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to
expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
week?

22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
infidel.

23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
Mullah' round.

0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
filmers were also secretly shot.

12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israeli
graffiti art in the occupied territories.

1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

Peculiarities of Holy Writ

2007-03-13T21:47:00.000-04:00

Turn on the "Tube" and you can get a variety of Tel-evangelists spouting out damnation, salvation! There's one blonde that claims to be annointed, picks a verse in the bible, such as Psalm 63, and declares that God has spoken the magick number 63 to her and viewers should donate $63.00 and God will bless them. At the same time, scrolling at the bottom of the TV screen is a toll free number that will accept pledges. Do these people actually call that number and give her $63???? If 10 people call her, that's $630.00 and if 100 people call...assuming her broadcast is really moving out across the waves, that's $6300...Do the math!
People are hungry for salvation and depending on their mode of living and trials, they will spend mega bucks for a ticket to paradise.
Sadly, we are locked into a world of materialism and dollar worship, controlled by masculine war mongers who blame women for all the ills of the world.
They love us but fear us, they worship us and degrade us, and much of this women-hatred stems from holy writ.
Mainstream Christianity believes in the infallible word of God that is written in the Holy Bible, ignoring the fact that man's hand has touched scriptures for the past 2000 years. Whatever man touches, he corrupts....since the beginning!
Not that I condone incestual relationships, but weeks ago, my favorite daytime drama, "The Guiding Light", aired for several months a story line that involved two cousins romantically involved. The storyline was powerful, overflowing with drama, sensuality and bittersweet moments shared by these two. After visiting several online message boards, I soon realized that the majority of "Christian-Types" who were viewers and had been long time viewers of this program were terribly annoyed and critical of the writers incestual storyline. They commenced to post bible verses, condemning the two, which instigated me to do a search of my own. The storyline was powerful, and didn't bother me at all. After all...it's daytime drama!
What I managed to locate was a couple of very disturbing verses that left a bad taste in my mouth.
Going into a deeper study, I found that a person having never read the bible before, may be inclined to reject this book based on the fact that it discusses, and sometimes, glorifies: adultery, incest, rape, mutilation, cannibalism, and murder.

An interesting verse found in Genesis 19: 4-8 reads as follows:

"And Lot went up to Zoar," reads a passage, "and stayed in the mountains, and his two daughters with him.... Then the firstborn said to the younger, 'Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of the earth. Come, let us make our father drink wine, and let us lie with him, that we may preserve our family through our father.' Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father."

Cannibalism...oh yes, it can be found in II Kings 6:28,29

And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son,that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son."

What kind of messages does this send to our children, that happen among these Holy tidbits while reading the King James Bible?

Are we so naive as to believe our children do not "understand" anything but MTV, X-BOX, and PS2, and would just read over these verses without question?

Maybe 20 years ago, yes, but not our children of today. And people want to know why so many teenagers are claiming they are "Gay", "Lesbians", and feel that it's ok to have sex and get pregnant because the "Boogie Man (Abortionist)" is just around the corner! If things don't get in check pretty soon, Mickey D's may not be the only facility with a drive-by window!

So the next time you hear the fundamentalist cat-scratching about the ills of society, point them into the direction of man's holy corruption of the word of God.

I believe it was Jesus that said "Woe unto ye Scribes and Pharisees"....and I'll bet 99.9% of the Christian network has no earthly idea what he was talking about.

Moving into the New Testament, first of all there is the "fishy-bread" story.

"And when he had taken the five loaves and the two fishes, he looked up to heaven, and blessed, and brake the loaves, and gave them to his disciples to set before them; and the two fishes divided he among them all. And they did all eat, and were filled. And they took up twelve baskets full of the fragments, and of the fishes. And they that did eat of the loaves were about five thousand men."___Mark 6:41-44

Moving along in the book of Mark, a couple of chapters ahead...

"And he commanded the people to sit down on the ground: and he took the seven loaves, and gave thanks, and brake, and gave to his disciples to set before them; and they did set them before the people. And they had a few small fishes: and he blessed, and commanded to set them also before them. So they did eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets. And they that had eaten were about four thousand: and he sent them away."__Mark 8:6,9

Another odd peculiarity concerns what Jesus did after his baptism....Mark tells us:

"And immediately the Spirit driveth him into the wilderness. And he was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted of Satan; and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered unto him."__ Mark 1:12,13

But, in the book of John, it depicts a different course of events transpiring after the baptism, claiming Jesus headed to a wedding in Cana

"And John bare record, saying, I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and it abode upon him... The day following Jesus would go forth into Galilee, and findeth Phillip... And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage___John: 1:32, 43 2:12

Doubting the word of God, No, absolutely not, only the hand of Man!

Spanish Lesson

2007-02-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House"for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer"should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Obsession with "23"!

2007-01-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

What will they come up with next? A new movie will be released on of course, 2/23/2007 called 23. A thriller, I suppose but I ran across some interesting facts concerning the number on the free webs website that is giving this movie alot of press...

Kurt Cobain
Born: 1+9+6+7=23
Died: 1+9+9+4=23

The human body consists of 23 chromosomes from each parent

The date 9/11/2001 adds up to 23

The invasion of Iraq began on 3/20/2003 at 2:30

2 divided by 3 equals .666

Click here to find out where your #23 is!!

Jalopenaman Reports: Britney - K Federline Custody Decision

2006-12-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

A Nevada judge has reached a custody decision on the two young sons of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Both were seeking custody of the children (Britney wanted shared and Federline wanted sole). In a surprising move, the judge did not grant the children to either one of them!Judge Miles Springer, in a statement made from from behind the bench, said that "I find the recent behavior of Britney Spears to be deplorable. Running around bar hopping with a couple of skanks while not wearing any panties is not the example to set for two young children. Where were they? Has anyone asked that question? Who was minding the children while mommy was out looking for a one night stand?""The father of these two is not any better. As he is seeking spousal support from a woman he was only married to for a few years, it is obvious that he is a freeloader and does not wish to work. He has displayed his lack of musical talent or acting ability to the world already and needs to grow up and start earning a living. As I doubt he will start doing that to be a responsible father, I cannot in good conscience award him these two young boys.""Many courts, in similar cases, will award custody to the grandparents. I cannot see that as a viable solution in this case. The grandparents already failed with these two [Britney and Federline]. Why should I give them more impressionable young children to screw up?""There is another entertainer who is wealthy and mostly retired from the spotlight who has expressed an interest in caring for and nurturing these children. He offers a home filled with what he describes as 'all kinds of love.' He has other children of his own and has shown that he dotes on them.""Therefore, in the case of the Federline/Spears children, the court awards sole custody to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson."Federline was too stoned to comment. Spears could not be found, but rumor had it that she was in the broom closet with a court reporter and a bailiff. Jackson was visibly pleased by the decision and said that he "could not wait to get them home."

Tennessee Professional Engineering Exam

2006-11-04T14:22:00.000-05:00

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?

Hillbilly Newlyweds

2006-10-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

A couple in East Tennessee had just gotten married and were at their hotel ready to start their honeymoon. Jim Bob sat on the bed while Betty Sue was in the bathroom getting ready. Betty Sue finally stepped out wearing a slinky negligee and sat next to Jim Bob on the bed. "Sweety," she said, "I'm kind of nervous. I ain't never done this before."
Jim Bob jumped off of the bed, pulled on his pants on and drove to his parents house, leaving his new bride stranded at the hotel. His father asked him what had happened, and upon hearing what Betty Sue had said the father nodded his head in approval. "Son, you did the right thing. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours neither!"

Southern Ettikut!

2006-10-29T15:17:00.000-05:00

Two ladies were sitting next to each other on a plane. One was a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turned to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"
The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensued and the flight continued until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turned to the Yankee and asked, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?"

Where Did Arabs Come From?

2006-10-18T18:57:00.000-04:00

God forbid that I bring the female species under any more contempt or degradation than they've already endured throughout time, but let's face it, by nature, we gals are territorial.

Daresay, I bring this to the table, but when you think about it, if blame is to be placed on anyone for the state of the world today, a woman must bear that burden and her name is Sarah, wife of Abraham.

Contrary to the Jerry Falwells of the world that preach "Woman, Submit", evidently, the role was reversed in the Abraham/Sarah/Hagar dilemma.

Sarah who was long past the age of child-bearing, wanted a child, and according to the "Patriarchs Version", God told Abraham to go and sleep with Sarah's handmaiden, Hagar. Supposedly, Adultery was AOK during that period of the Old Testament, must have gotten out of hand! So Abraham being an obedient servant of God, obeyed, visited Hagar the Handmaiden in her tent, and well, you know the rest, ultimately she was impregnated with Abraham's seed!.

You are now with child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard of your misery. He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers. (NIV, Genesis 16)

Rather unusual "Blessing" on this Ishmael child, a wild donkey?

About fourteen years later, an angel visited Sarah and told her she would conceive a child, and would name him Isaac. Sarah was ecstatically happy about the reality and birth of her son and even laughed in the presence of the angels, that foretold of the miracle.

There is little doubt in my mind that the precept that women should submit unto men was actually invented by the patriarchal system. Especially when God told Abraham to hearken unto Sarah and obey her. Doesn't sound like female submission to me!

Sarah, obviously forgot that maternity or pregnancy was actually intended as a curse brought upon all of Eve's daughters, for the sin Eve allegedly committed in the Garden. So laughing and being happy just wasn't something expected of a woman and considered unpardonable.

It is said by most philosophers, that the exalted of all love is that which a Mother has for her children.

However, this divine awakening of affection, didn't flow over to Sarah's handmaiden, Hagar. There was problems there, and evidently, Hagar was the culprit...and used Ishmael to provoke Sarah.

Hagar despised Sarah and there was friction between the two women, and Sarah became jealous of the attention that Abraham was giving to Ishmael, Hagar's son and reprimanded him. Actually, the way the story goes, Ishmael was mocking Isaac and that got the best of Sarah who basically told Abraham to lose the excess baggage, as he would never share in the inheritance with her son, Isaac.

If you can imagine the situation, it becomes clear as to what Sarah was having to contend with. Sarah quickly picked up the animosity from Hagar and decided to end it before it went any further. She took the role of the wife and mother, protecting her son's legacy and got rid of the problem. God confirmed Sarah, as he told Abraham, "To hearken to her voice, and obey her command". Imagine that...

Isaac grew, and on the day he was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that Ishmael was mocking Isaac, and she said to Abraham; "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac." (NIV, Genesis 21:8-10)

Abraham appeared to be under Sarah's control, when he banished Hagar and his son, Ishmael to the desert.

The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. But God said to him, "Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring [b] will be reckoned. I will make the son of the maidservant into a nation also, because he is your offspring."
(NIV, Genesis 21:11-13)

In this scene, Old Abe doesn't appear in a very attractive light, rising up early in the morning, sending Hagar and his first born into the wilderness with only a breakfast of bread and water to care for themselves. He didn't even provide a servant, a donkey with provisions or a tent to shelter them from the elements, nothing at all...just sent them into the wilderness to fiend for themselves. Even the most lowlife of mankind, would have done more, and what is really the clicker is this was all done with God's approval.

The rest of the story is engraved in stone....An angel visited Hagar in the wilderness and told her something similar to what was promised to Abraham,

Hagar, with her son, wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba, and when reduced to great distress, a voice from heaven said "What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation." (Genesis 21)

Legend has it by some that she wandered right on up to Mecca...in search of water for her son...thus, Enter the Arabs...and that my friends is how all of this middle east crap got started in the first place!

Moral Of The Story: Don't (Trust)let (your) handmaiden (Best Friend) sleep (with) your husband!

Welfare Recipient VS Social Worker

2006-10-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

A guy walks into the local welfare office,
marches straight up to the counter and says,

"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from
a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive her around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will
have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two- bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says,
"You've gotta be kidding me!" The social worker says,
"Yeah, well... you started it."

Spiritual Lesson For Today

2006-10-15T13:31:00.000-04:00

"As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance, cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his side." ___Mohandas Gandhi

Jaws, For Real!!!

2006-10-15T11:12:00.000-04:00

Having lived in Kaneohe Hawaii for several years, visiting the Country, North Shore...the waves are incredible!
This video captures Mike Parson's dance with 66 foot "Jaws"! Check it out!

Riders On The Storm

2006-10-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

When You're Smiling.....

2006-10-14T14:41:00.000-04:00

Evolution of Dance - Very Funny!

2006-10-09T10:36:00.000-04:00

Money Makes The World Go Round....or does it?

2006-10-05T17:33:00.000-04:00

There is one thing that I have learned over the years, and the foundation of that learning came from my practice of Buddhism at an earlier time of my life. Happiness is not acquired through material wealth, relationships or worldly influences.

True happiness comes from within, and is a perpetual state of being, resting on the fact that no matter what happens in the external world, it does not affect that state.

People have conditioned themselves over time, withdrawing from the world, checking into convent's, choosing life in a monastery to try and capture this perfect state. Their idea, supposedly, is the path of least resistance. Knowing man's nature, they refuse to allow themselves to be caught up in the path of temptation, and ultimately spend a good portion of their lives in celibacy, chastity and living an incredibly difficult austere life.

My thoughts are this is a terrible mistake for those people, because challenges are essential to our growth. It's how we meet challenges and our ability to avoid the pitfalls that come along with them, that tends to be our downfall.

If you have a problem, and in trying to arrive at a solution, you hurt another person, whether intentional or not, this will be a thorn in your side eventually.

Oh yeah, it's called "KARMA" and it's real, as much as western civilization and the christian church would like to tell you different. Just try and avoid experiencing it, and it makes you a believer. Just like what you sow, you will reap...same thing, just East vs West!

I would never laugh at another's misfortune, but I have to admit, when someone has a string of problems that date way back in time, and they are still struggling down the trodden path, pulling the weight behind them like a mule pulling a buggy full of rocks, it amazes me to hear them say, they don't believe in the term "Karma".

It's human nature to want what you can't have, and the irony of it is that always, once you get it, you can't relate to why you wanted it in the first place. Why is that?

Did you know that you can look at the present life of a person and get a pretty good idea of the activities of their past.

People base their happiness on the temporal world, but when it comes down to it, that is a fleeting happiness that is subject to collapse at any given moment, by the conditions they set forth.
That's not happiness, it's an illusive state of being, and given the reason, subject to change without warning. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.___Albert Einsten

Many people claim that money is the root of all evil and they say this in sheer ignorance, because money in itself is not evil, but the love or worship of money is, and above all, what you do with the money!

The sad thing about these poor souls is that they do not understand the true meaning of love, because love is nurtured and grows deeper with time and its reciprocal. Love and money are truly incompatible, because the more you have the more you want, and there is never satisfaction. It's a perpetual evil and it usually manifests as arrogance, selfishness, greed and possesses the people causing them to horde and elevate themselves over those less fortunate.

It's easy to become comfortable and at ease when things are going well, and you shine like a brilliant diamond. You become the light of your world, and could care less about all of the other stars that light up the heavens. Someone said...Every man and woman is a star, as above, so below...Eventually, when your light dims, becoming less brilliant by the conditions of your life, you lose the "bling-bling", and fall apart, bottom out, resemling just an ordinary beaten up rock.

Usually, then someone generally comes along, picks you up, dusts you off and gives you a really nice polishing, and set you up to recapture your brilliance once more, only to continue the cycle.

The way I see it, if you want to know how rich you are, don't look in the bank, or your purse, or the car in your garage, look at all of the things that you have that money can't buy!

Somebody Has To Care!

2006-10-05T15:48:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in our lives, when we have to look at things a little differently, remove the focus of self, and step back and look at the bigger picture. The picture that encompasses more than ourselves, call it the "Collective", the World, the Big Picture...

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind...John Donne

It is frustrating when people that I truly care about tell me, "Oh I’m not concerned, it’s not my problem." "I’ve enough to worry about if I worry about my own problems." Don’t get me wrong, I can relate to that to a certain extent, but there comes a time, when we have to realize that every man and woman is a star that comprises the entire universe.

For me to say that I’m not concerned about the state of the world, knowing that I have not only children but grandchildren who will carry on after I leave this space in time, and possibly face a much worse world than we are now living in, is of utmost concern to me. Perhaps, you would have to be a parent who loves and wants the best for their children to understand.

That does not mean that one should throw caution to the wind, losing all cares of tomorrow and strike out on a mission to save the world, but it does mean that one should be “Aware” of the suffering of others, as it will often make our own plight less harder to bear.

Here’s The Story!

Mickey Mouse was peeking through a small hole in the wall and noticed Farmer Bob and his wife, Ethel opening a package that just arrived from Fed Ex. Mickey was excited about all of the goodies it might contain, and his mouth began to water, when suddenly the farmer pulled out a mousetrap!

Mickey’s little beady eyes, nearly bulged out of their sockets, and he felt that the time was right for him to leave, so he departed, making a mad dash toward the barnyard, with a deep sense of urgency, alerting all of his friends “GOTTA MOUSETRAP IN THE HOUSE, GOTTA MOUSETRAP IN THE HOUSE!”
Coquita, the Chicken, clucked and scratched, bobbing her head around, like she was listening to some soulful R&B, then slowly raising up she looked at Mickey, batting her eyelashes, and said to Mickey, “I can tell this is a serious concern to you Mickey, but it is of no concern to me; I can’t be bothered with it, I have other priorities that are much more important to me. I have to look out after “Coquita”, it’s not my problem.”

Mickey, feeling very disgusted with her bitchy attitude, turned and Porky Pig was munching out in his trough, and stopped slurping, long enough to say, “Hi Mickey”! Mickey replied to Porky Pig, “Gotta mousetrap in the house”!
“I-i-i-i’m s-s-s-so so-so-so-rry M-m-m-m-mickey, Porky said sympathetically, “budip budip budip but all I c-c-c-c-can d-d-d-do is pray, j-j-j-just kn-n-n-n-now that you are in my p-p-p-prayers”.

Mickey thanked Porky the Pig and turned to Clarissa the Cow, who sarcastically replied “Yikes, Mickey, A mousetrap in the house?” Oh Lordy, that’s so bad. That means I am in grave danger, Duh?”
So Mickey, with his head down, feeling dejected, saddened, like he had no friends in his barnyard world that gave a damn, returned to the house to face his worst fears alone, the Mousetrap!

Later that night, after everyone had turned in, and everything was quiet…suddenly the silence was broken by the sound of the new mousetrap catching its prey. Ethel, the farmer’s wife, hurriedly scuttled to see what had been caught in the new mousetrap.

It was pitch dark and little did she know that a venomous snake, Charlie the Copperhead, had caught its tail in the trap, and because of the darkness, when she reached down to check it out, old Charlie bit the crap out of her.

Farmer Bob put Ethel in his pickup truck and rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a Fever and Bob asked her if she needed anything as he put her to bed. She asked him to get her some “Chicken Soup”, because it’s the tried and true remedy for fever.

So off goes Farmer Bob to the barnyard with his hatchet in hand for the key ingredient, Coquita the Chicken! It turns out that sassy Coquita has encountered a major problem she didn’t anticipate!

Nonetheless, Ethel’s condition continued to worsen and a stream of nearby neighbors and friends visited and sat with her all throughout the day and evening.

As they were sitting around talking, someone mentioned that they had a hankering for some good old barbecue, so Uncle Bob, got up, put his hat on, and went out to butcher Porky the Pig, while several of the men readied the pit, a few of the women folks, went to the kitchen to prepare, fried potatoes, slaw, baked beans, hushpuppies, and peach cobbler.

A few days later, Ethel’s condition finally reached a sorrowful climax; she passed on to the Promised Land. Talk about a wake, so many visitors came to pay their respects that Farmer Bob had Clarissa the Cow slaughtered to feed them all. Sucks to be Clarissa, Duh?

So, the moral of this story is, the next time you hear that someone is facing hard-times, or has a “problem”, don’t think that it doesn’t concern you because what it all boils down to is when the least of us are threatened, we’re all at risk.

In the book of Matthew, in chapter 25:31-55, A condensed version basically says that on the last day, Jesus will say to those on His right hand, "Come, enter the Kingdom. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was sick and you visited me." Then Jesus will turn to those on His left hand and say, "Depart from me because I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me to drink, I was sick and you did not visit me." These will ask Him, "When did we see you hungry, or thirsty or sick and did not come to your help?" And Jesus will answer them, "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto me!"

Birth of an Angel

2006-09-22T02:20:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day, he asked God:

They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless? Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She'll be waiting for you and will take care of you.

But, tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and smile - that's enough for me to be happy. Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you everyday. And you will feel your angel's love and be happy.

And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don't know the language men talk? Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you? Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray.

I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me? Your angel will defend you - even if it means risking her life.

But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore. Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me - even though I will always be next to you.

At that moment, there was much peace in heaven. But voices from earth could already be heard and the child, in a hurry, asked softly:

Oh, God, if I'm about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.

Your angel's name is of no importance.

You will just call your angel, "Mommy".

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

2006-09-14T02:41:00.000-04:00

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

Very good article!

Source: Stanford Report

The Cricket and The Beer Bottle

2006-09-11T19:40:00.000-04:00

There must be some kind of planetary vibe going on with my Saggitarian first house, because for the past few days, I have slipped into a philosophical mode, looking at daily, ordinary events from a metaphorical standpoint.
Over the weekend, while sitting on my patio, just enjoying the evening, listening to the birds as they began to wind down from their daily chirping, something very odd happened.
Not really a partaker of alcohol, but on occasion, I enjoy drinking "a" beer, and had finished it, leaving it on the patio table.
Although, our torches were burning, to keep away the NC State Birds (Mosquitos), an energetic little cricket had managed to hop onto the table.
Crickets are really strange insects, with the male being the one that does all of the annoying chirping! According to my research, they have two melodies that they use, the louder chirp is for calling females and telling other male crickets to "bug off"! The softer chirp is the "courting chirp", when the male cricket is wooing the female.
After watching the cricket for awhile, I left the patio shortly and returned later to find that the cricket had managed to find it's way onto the mouth of the beer bottle that I had left sitting on the table.
Well, it turns out that this cricket was a male, as it started chirping very loudly and suddenly slipped into the opening, falling into the beer bottle.
Sucks to be Jimmy! Should have been with Miss Katydid and you'd be here today!
After several futile attempts to retrieve the cricket, he succomed to a lethal dose of alcohol.

Philosophical: Alcohol is a deadly drug for a bug!

Note: Count the chirps of a cricket for 15 seconds, and add 39, that's the farenheit temperature!

Belief O Matic

2006-09-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

While doing some research today, I ran across this rather unique widget at www.beliefnet.com
It's called the Belief-O-Matic.
Couldn't help but laugh because it immediately reminded me of the commercial for "yellowpages.com" with David Carradine as the YP Guru. Everytime I see that commercial I crack up....and "Grasshopper" comes to mind!
For those of you that don't know who I'm referring to...David Carradine portrayed the ass-kicking holy man in the TV show "Kung Fu". The setting was "western-cowboyish", and he was a chinaman, complete with an adeptness in martial arts.
Too bad, Belief O Matic isn't advertised on prime-time, perhaps, Carradine would be the key person for the job!

News Not Wanted: Magic Mashrooms: Scientists Study Mystical Effects of Mushrooms

2006-09-11T03:45:00.000-04:00

News Not Wanted: Magic Mashrooms: Scientists Study Mystical Effects of Mushrooms

Bush: On Evolution

2006-09-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

2006 Carolina Beach Music Awards

2006-09-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

shag dance pro

2006-09-10T18:19:00.000-04:00


Shag pros at ducks at myrtle beach Jennifer Beaver & Joey Sogluizzo

Bush Double

2006-09-09T22:25:00.000-04:00


This is a video of a guy doing an impersonation of the president at the national press conderence dinner. Very funny!

Looks Like Osama....

2006-09-01T07:26:00.000-04:00

Hmmm wonder what happened?

2006-08-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

Bush Is An Eck-E-Lektik Reader!

2006-08-31T10:26:00.000-04:00

Is Bush Really An Idiot?

2006-08-31T10:19:00.000-04:00

Smile.......

2006-08-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

Ever Wonder......

2006-08-20T20:11:00.000-04:00

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Source: Alisha

Only In America

2006-08-20T20:10:00.000-04:00

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Source: Alisha

Might Be In A Redneck Church if......

2006-08-20T19:59:00.000-04:00

. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. Instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah."

Source: Some Yankee

Catholic Atrocities

2006-08-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

With much mainstream rhetoric about Mel Gibson and his alleged boozed up anti-semitism, let's face it, although I'm very sympathetic to Israel, the man did not lie. Jews and Arabs have been waltzing to this same old song since the beginning of time, and I'm absolutely certain that no political think-tank, or UN Circus, is going to stop it.
The world is condemning Israel and the world fails to see that this is exactly what Iran and Syria want. Why else would they have provoked Israel? Why hasn't Hezbollah been condemned for using women and children as human shields?

Anyone that thinks Israel is guilty of inhumanities.....isn't in tune with current events!

Anyone who has read, "Bury Me Standing," the best-selling gypsy history will find a treasure of living history in the gypsy culture. The gypsies have a long history in Europe. It is estimated that they left India as a group of nomads around 900 a.d. reaching Persia in 950 and Petit Egypt 1230.

By 1370 the gypsies, or GITANs as they are called in France, were totally enslaved in Romania. They arrived in Stes. Maries-de-la-Mer in 1438 and Spain in 1539. While most of the family groups still speak a mix of Romanian and Sanskrit, those from Spain speak Spanish , and get this...why do they speak spanish?

The Catholics cut out their tongues during the Inquisition so they couldn’t speak Romanian.

That's just the tip of the iceberg...the "Witches Hammer", which is the bible of the inquisition, details a large amount of information concerning the Catholic Church and it's methods of exacting confessions from women and children.

Israel is defending it's right as a sovereign nation, If I were a Lebanese, I think I would be getting the hell out of the way!!

Esmerelda on the Current Mideast Crisis!

2006-08-02T16:33:00.000-04:00

ISLAM SHISLAM...PFFFFT!

Israel Will Win This War----Read on to see why!

2006-07-30T08:26:00.000-04:00

The following email was sent to me by a friend:

(Email:)

Israel lost quite a number of dead and wounded over the last several days, and this week Colonel Kline was one of those who died in the midst of battle. What was not widely reported in the media is "how he died, and what happened as a result of his death."

Klein had taken a unit of 20 Israeli soldiers into the midst of one of Lebanon's border cities where the fighting was fierce. He led his men into a courtyard that was walled up around believing it provide a place of cover and rest from enemy fire.

Suddenly, someone tossed a hand grenade out of one of the windows above them, and as it hit the ground, Klein threw his body over the hand grenade and cried out shouting: "Schema Yisrael Adoni Elohinu, Adonai Ekhad." Hear O Israel, the L-rd our G-d, the L-rd is One!

As he shouted the last words he would ever speak in this holiest of prayers He honored his G-d. The grenade blew up killing him but sparing all of his soldiers from death. Some were slightly injured from shrapnel but none had life threatening wounds because of Colonel Klein's actions.

It seems afterward some of the soldiers saw an angel standing over the lifeless body of the Colonel. Some of the wounded were taken to a hospital and wanted to speak about this but they were told to say nothing. However, some of them could not keep silent. Who could keep silent after seeing and angel?

The word got out through some of their parents. The mainstream media here has maintained silence, and the army has ordered them not to speak about their experience, but our sources are bringing us this awesome news! We are seeking to contact and go meet some of these wounded men....Pray for the L-rd to open a door to speak with those who have seen one of G-d's messengers and can now be a witness that He is real. He is alive; He is the living G-d!

Colonel Klein called upon the living G-d and gave Him glory seconds before He died saving his comrades. G-d showed up immediately and sent one of His messengers to reveal that He was there with them, and now Colonel Kline is with their G-d!
(end of email)

Commentary:
Other reports for example from Gershon Saloman, the head of Israel's Temple Mount Faithful...Gershon is a tenth generation 'sabra' (native born Jerusalemite) who fought in all of Israel's wars especially, the 1948 War of Independence.

In 1958, during a battle in the Golan Heights, Gershon was wounded when an Israeli tank accidentally ran over him. The tank caught the collar of his shirt and seemingly folded him over backwards, snapping his spine.

The Syrians overran his position and began shooting the wounded Israeli soldiers. As they were about to shoot him, Gershon said, they suddenly dropped their weapons and ran away.

Later, he said, these Syrians soldiers reported to UN officers that they had seen 'thousands of angels' around the crippled IDF officer and had, therefore, fled. He showed me documentary evidence from the UN to prove it.

As another interesting side note, despite his injuries, Gershon fought in both the Six Days' War and the 1973 Yom Kippur War. He was among those Israeli paratroopers who captured the Temple Mount from Jordan in 1967.

Gershon swelled with pride when he recounted being among the first Jews to set foot on Temple Mount in nearly two thousand years.

Now we return to the story at hand -- angels on the Israeli battlefield. Gershon's story of angelic warriors is not the first I'd heard -- it was merely the first time I'd heard the story first-hand from an eyewitness.

Soldiers in all of Israel's wars have reported seeing angels on the battlefield. During the Yom Kippur War, a lone Israeli soldier in the Sinai led a captured Egyptian column back to Israeli lines.

When the Egyptian officer was asked why he surrendered an entire tank column to a single Israeli soldier, the Egyptian officer replied, "One soldier? There were thousands of them."

"The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels: the Lord is among them, as in Sinai, in the holy place." (Psalms 68:7)

The officer said the rest of the 'soldiers' had melted away as they approached the Israeli lines. The Israeli soldier reported that he was alone when the Egyptian commander surrendered to him. He didn't see the army of angelic warriors. The Egyptians did.

The Bible identifies the archangel Michael as Israel's guardian angel. (Daniel 10:13, 31) The prophet Zechariah predicted that in the last days, God would send His angels to fight alongside Israel.

"In that day shall the LORD defend the inhabitants of Jerusalem; and he that is feeble among them at that day shall be as David; and the house of David shall be as God, as the angel of the LORD before them." (Zechariah 12:8)

In its existence, Israel has fought back invaders in five major wars aimed at its annihilation, against impossible odds exceeding 650 to 1 in some cases. Israel's victory in the War of Independence was nothing short of miraculous, as were her victories in 1967 and 1973 against the combined might of the Soviet-backed Arab Legions.

Given her precarious geography, with enemies on three sides and her back to the sea, the Arab armies should have cut through her like a hot knife through butter, but amazingly, each victory left Israel in possession of more land than she had when attacked. And in every war, there are reports from BOTH sides of angelic intervention on Israel's behalf.

Israel's warrior angels make appearances during the Exodus, during most of Israel's early battles, and are promised as Israel's protectors in the last days.

There are too many independent accounts to dismiss reports of angelic warriors as battle fatigue, particularly when one considers that they've been seen by BOTH sides.

I don't want to start an angel-worship cult. Angels are not gods, or deserving of worship. They are created beings who serve as messengers of God. But they are real. They are active in the defense of Israel. And that is why Israel will win.

And the fact that we are talking about them is more evidence that these are indeed the very last of the last days before the return of Christ.

21st Century Job

2006-07-21T23:06:00.000-04:00

Sadly, we never know when misfortune will affect our very intimate lives. Sometimes the nature of man can be cruel. Maybe at some point in your life, You have been driving down the highway of life, just cruising....then BUMP! Everything changes... Consider this modern day scenario:

Enter, model husband, father and provider!

Pillar of the community, great friends, and caring neighbors. Beautiful wife, Good Mother, terrific children! You are well respected in your community and above all, you attend church quite regularly and pay your tithes each week. You have an excellent career with a good income and best of all, You live the American Dream..."Money in the Bank!!!

Your life is running smooth, no conflicts, except the usual minor everyday minor conflicts and mishaps that occur in most families. God has blessed you with abundance, nice home in the suburbs, two SUV's, a Harley in the garage. Life is Great! You have given your family a strong sense of security and everyone glows with an aura of good fortune!

You are well known as the icon of hospitality, throwing lavish dinner parties, barbecues, inviting your friends and neighbors over for steaks on the barbie, grilled shrimp, kegs of beer. The guys all gather at your house to watch the game on your Big Screen TV. You're known to friends, family and colleagues as the "Refuge From The Storm", coming to the rescue of your friends and family in need, such as your best friend, recently recovering from surgery and out of work.

He couldn't return to work until the doctor released him, so you give him some cash to tie him over, and tell him not to worry about repaying, that it's a gift! Another friend, who just landed a terrific job in the IT industry, hits you up for a loan, to keep afloat, while he waits for his first paycheck! Your sister, recently widowed, who never worked outside the home, and has been swamped with medical bills, funeral expenses, asks to borrow a few thousand....and of course, its your sister, you can't refuse!

Your phone is always ringing off the hook, friends are always dropping in on you, and sometimes you feel if you had only five minutes alone, in silence, you would be blessed among men! You try to screen your calls, but find that no longer works, because...THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Deep down, you are not a loner, you love the company. You know that God has blessed you and you live by his laws, and have brought your children up likewise. Then all of a sudden, without warning, you hit a pothole of misfortune! You wake up, just like any other day, same routine, quick shower, quick glance at the weather on the tube, grab a cup of coffee, kiss the wife, kids...out the door and head off to your place of work.

You think about the week ahead, your projects at the job, the honey-do list the wife gave, perhaps a family outing you're trying to plan....traffic is horrible, as usual! You arrive at work and before you can even get through the door, your boss calls you in the office. He begins the conversation by stating "This has nothing to do with your performance and that he wished that there was something he could do but his hands were tied...continuing, he talks about changes in production, explaining due to NAFTA or some other lame excuse, your job has been eliminated....in other words, you have been canned!

Before you have time to absorb what was said, he continues talking, now apologetically, assuring you that this decision was difficult to make, and that you will receive severance pay and a letter of reference. You sit there for a moment, speechless, shocked, and slowly get up and walk out of his office.

This is not the way to start the week, you are thinking...and you proceed to clean out your locker, desk and leave the building, extremely confused, yet trying to relate to the last 15 minutes... "15 years I have worked for that man, and in 15 minutes, he takes away my livelihood, my sustenance, my house payment, car payment, utilities and the food that is needed to feed to my family, this is the worst day of my life.

Has he forgotten all of the times that I have stayed over to ensure production quota's were met, due to manufacturing problems that were out of my control? Does he remember that I am the one that postponed my vacation to start-up a new contract? Nope, this is definately not my day, month...or year!!! You are driving home, still faced with commuting traffic, and you realize that you are getting closer to home.

You're now confronted with facing the family, wondering how do you break the news to your "Shopaholic" wife, and your two children that look forward to their weekly allowance to splurge on DVD's, Ipods, Mickey D's, and whatever else they can find to do with their money? You feel a sense of gloom and dread cover you. Here you are, the person they rely on, the person they look up to....you are their "ROCK"...and suddenly you are "broke" or heading down that road at a rapid rate of speed.

Your wife is doing what she usually does at that time of the day, and is startled when you come through the door... "Are you feeling ok", her first response, as you never miss work. Actually, you feel very bad, but you manage to say, "Yeah, I'm alright!" She doesn't respond, but just stands there holding the wand, with the vacuum on temporary shut-down waiting...gazing... It was simple, I was home because I was fired, but I could not find the words to just blurt it out!

No, I was not afraid of this woman holding a vacuum cleaner wand, but having never been out of work, it wasn't something that I had experience in doing. "Honey, the boss grabbed me before I could even get to my office and get a cup of coffee. My job no longer exists, I have been terminated"! She continues the gaze, shifting the wand to the other hand, placing her free hand on the back of the sofa as to brace herself..."You're kidding me, Right"? "Please, I wouldn't kid about something like that", I said. Suddenly I'm hit with what seems to be immeasurable questions .

"Why"? "Was it something you did or didn't do, Did you have a warning? "No, No, it was unavoidable, something to do with the manufacturing, NAFTA, I don't know...I'm not the only one, there was a couple of other guys that are in the same boat....still hasn't really sunk in yet?

She quickly responds, "Did you tell him that you are a dedicated employee, have been there for 15 years, and you at least deserve"..."Honey, look, this is a bad world, nothing is promised or guaranteed in the workforce", I interrupted her, "He said that I would receive severance pay, and a letter of reference", hoping that would reconcile her momentarily. "Hmmm,well God Bless him, and isn't he the generous person", she retorted sarcastically. "Great, I'm feeling really bad right now, I feel worthless as a man, and what I really need from you right now is compassion, understanding and above all love.

Things happen and I do not know the why's or wherefore's but that does not change anything, I am without a job. This means that we will have to take measures to be more conservative and handle this as a temporary setback." I continued with "It's important that everyone co-operates in this, and I really need you to be supportive of me in my decisions, ok?" She began to cry, "What are we going to do"? We have bills due, bills that will be due, and I haven't even done the grocery shopping this month"?

Reassuring her, "We'll be fine, just have faith that God will see us through this", I said. "If he leads us to it, he will get us through it". "Alright, but this is pure madness, what about the children"? This evening we will hold a family meeting, short and brief, and explain that everyone's lifestyle has to undergo current modification, due to this recent change in finances. So later that evening, after dinner, we convene in the living room, without the TV or any interruptions....and I proceed to bring my own version of the "Headline News".

They all sit staring at you blankly with their mouths open, yet not saying a word. It's almost like you are speaking to little birds that are waiting to be fed by Momma Bird...with the exception of junior, who has headphones on and is moving with the groove while you're talking! What's the use? "God giveth and he taketh away", you muster, hoping that somewhere in their upbringing they will see the spiritual behind the physical. You're thinking "He who hath ears, let them hear"!

Nonetheless, it's all in vain, because you have a 21st Century family that is caught up in the world at large, which relies on advertising, and the almighty "$$$$$". You have hope and try to convey this to the family, expressing to them that you are entering into a period of stormy seas, but you will try your best to steer and keep the boat afloat and each of them are crew members and are vital to the success of the voyage.

Still, they maintain the blank look on their face, and speechless...You call an end to the meeting and each person resumes their usual daily activities... So...you lose your job, and immediately hit the want-ads, sign up for unemployment, and by now you are registered with 25 Temporary Agencies that have hispanic receptionists that all seem to say the same thing "I sorry, but we have no work available right now, call back tomorrow!"

You try to stay calm, but find that nobody in your home is taking your plight seriously! Nobody but your wife....who, as usual, is right on top of things immediately! You call the bank and check your account...your direct deposit was interrupted and the company has yet to deposit your severance pay!

Therefore, the checks that your wife wrote to pay the bills have bounced, leaving an overdraft of over $400 plus insufficient charges debited to your account! Suddenly, in the pit of your stomach, you feel knots...then you break out into a sweat.....slamming the phone down you rush to the closest bathroom.....only to find a locked door with rap music blaring!

It's Junior, taking one of his "Long-Hot-Showers"! You barely make it to your wife's bathroom....and spill your guts, splashing all over her soft pink frilly commode cover! You regain your composure, grabbing a cold cloth to wipe away the cold sweat pouring off your brow and here someone in another part of the house. It's your daughter, Valley Girl Vicky who has invited five of her friends over for after school snacks, raiding the fridge and piling on the sofa, watching MTV! "They did not hear a word that I said at the family powow", you're thinking as you try and regain your composure, hoping that bathroom bout was over.

Weeks go by and you have checked in with all of the Temp agencies, have applied at the local hardware store, and spoken to the Newspaper about a paper route....still nothing. THE UNIVERSE HAS COMPLETELY CUT OFF ALL COMMUNICATIONS TO YOU AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD. Your dearly beloved wife, who has begun a strange vigil of silence toward you, suffering from "Shopping Withdrawal" glares at you with an evil look, as to say....What did I ever see in you in the first place, you loser!

When you tell her to curb the daily meals down to a pot of pinto's and a pan of cornbread for the time being she softly replies sarcastically, "YOU'RE KIDDING AREN'T YOU"? You immediately become the "Private Eye" in your own home, checking the electric meter, turning off lights, unplugging appliances, monitoring the kids usage of TV's, DVD Players, Computers, X-Box, Playstations.... Your entire family, who earlier, smiled at you, hugged you, couldn't wait to see you every day....distances themselves from you. You're no longer, "Daddy"....you are "HIM"...you are no longer "Honey", you are now "HEY"!

Don't they know how you feel? You convene more and more to yourself, pondering about it all. You ask God..."Why me, Lord"? Your wife, thinking that you are shutting everyone and everything out....blares at you. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? YOU JUST CAN'T SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING...OR BETTER STILL DO SOMETHING..I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO SELL DRUGS...I NEED MONEY, WE NEED MONEY....THE KIDS NEED MONEY! Still, rather than argue, you continue in silence...pondering, searching, thinking about your life, thinking about the "ONLY" friend you have left.

No, you can't see him, he can't share a beer with you, or watch a game with you....but he's there, just a whisper away. You find yourself asking, Why me, Lord? You are confused, and can't understand why he has allowed this to happen to you and your family. A month goes by, then 8 weeks...your wife begins avoiding you, none of your previous friends are coming around, except the loser down the street, wanting to borrow a tool!

This guy never works, was born into wealth and just hangs out in the backyard always looking busy but never doing anything worthwhile! You find yourself watching what is left over at dinner, reminding the children that food is scarce, eat everything on your plate, and no snacking.

You glance at the teenage girl, reminding her to discontinue entertaining her friends until further notice. "Fridge is off-limits to non-household members"! It's now the middle of the third month since you lost your job and your daily walks, increase, sometime for hours, you walk and walk, just thinking and pondering...you visit your pastor and he just tells you to have faith...things will get better.

He asks, "By the way, I know this is not the best time to ask, but we are really pushing to get this Somalia Mission off the ground by next month, do you think you could manage a few dollars by next Sunday?" You're thinking, "No, He Didn't", and reply, "I'll speak to my wife and try to manage something", you say. "Did I really say that, geez, I'm a wreck"! You're bewildered, completely bummed out and feel that you can't even afford God's Help!

No money, no job, bills are due, bank is overdrawn, car payment due last week....you feel totally helpless, and do not have a clue as to what you will do. It's as if you have left planet earth, and are out of range of all communication with it's inhabitants. You have applied for over 40 jobs since your termination, not even a reply, nor a turn-down! You return home, disgusted, depressed and now feel the beginning pains of a headache about to happen! You notice nobody is home, not even the dog, who always barks when someone enters the backyard...Your wife's car is not in the garage.

You figure the wife has taken the Dog to the vet, maybe the kids are at friends, and the clock ticks away...it's night and still...no family! What's tonight? No...they can't be at church. You worry that they have taken the dog to the vet, yet adding to the outrageous bill from last month! You wonder how many other families have dogs suffering from depression? "Doggie Depression, wonder if he has any anti-depressants left"?

The phone rings and suddenly you are confronted with yet another unexpected problem....it's your wife! She gets right to the point and tells you that she is leaving you, because she can no longer tolerate your current attitude toward her and the children, in light of everything else! She has the children and YOUR dog! They have a place to stay, and "her" attorney will contact you.

You happen to look down at the phone and notice the number that she is calling from happens to be the number of the "Single, Good Looking, Best Friend that you just loaned all that money to"! You notice a folded note stuck to the fridge, and you open it! It's from her telling you that the monthly bills are paid, and she had to use all of the savings to accomplish that, so now you are really broke!

Depression has reached it's peak, not only have you lost your companion of life, but the single person that you vowed to love for the rest of your life, through sickness and in health, richer or "poorer", until you DIE!

But she has paid all of the bills to including the $600.00 Veterinarian bill, with the Christmas Savings and neglected to pay your CAR PAYMENT! You have no income, your car is about to be repossessed! But the rent is paid, electricity is on and you ...and you are ALONE with a huge MIGRAINE HEADACHE!

You go to the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet.....SHE TOOK ALL OF THE MEDICINE, even the ASPIRIN! Zero Meds, with the exception of one small plastic bottle of "MIDOL"! You think...maybe I need to get something in my stomach, yeah...hungry, you go to the kitchen and open the cabinet....one box of spaghetti pasta, one box of shake and bake, yes....Hamburger Helper there is hope!

You check the fridge and find the remnant of last saturday's game....about 15 hot wings, 3 Natural Lights, half gallon of tea, what appears to be greenish bologna with the edges curling inward, a quarter gallon of milk, with only 2 days left to expiration and an empty loaf of bread except for two end pieces. No Hamburger! To make matters worse, the phone rings and it's your wife's attorney inviting you to his office to discuss your new bill! CHILD SUPPORT and asks...."What would be a good day for you"? You cannot see beyond the next moment, but incoherently schedule an appointment for someday next week, which you can't even recall!

You call your best friend from childhood and get his answering machine. You leave this message of despair...COME TO MY HOME WHEN YOU GET THIS MESSAGE, WILL EXPLAIN LATER, THIS IS URGENT! You're thinking, He already Knows, EVERYBODY already knows your plight! Yes, and they even know about your wife and have known, that's usually the way it is, everybody knows but you!

You can't stay in the house, you feel like the walls are closing in on you, so you leave....just walking, not knowing where you are going. You feel like a zombie, between the worlds, neither here no there...you are trying to backup and regroup your life, before any of this happened. It's like living in a nightmare that you cannot wakeup...you feel sheer madness closing in on you....so you just keep walking, searching for an answer...down the street, maybe a block away, you come upon a street person, just standing on the corner, holding a sign, "Will Work For Food".

Your first impression is to cross over to the other side of the street to avoid this person who WANTS MONEY FROM YOU....but you just don't have the willpower to even attempt to do that. As you approach him, he appears to smile at you, and you're thinking "Ha, he's smiling because he thinks I'm going to give him some money, little does he know I HAVE NO MONEY".

"Good Afternoon, Sir, how are you today?" The tattered looking man greeted me and I managed to get a hello back to him and continued on past him. After I had strolled past him, I heard him yell at me, "God Bless You, Sir" That was the straw that broke the camel's back...I immediately turned around and walked back toward him....with a hundred thousand different emotions coursing through my broken mind at the moment....as I approached him, he still continued to smile at me and I responded to him, "What did you say"?

He said, "God Bless You, Sir"...and tears started streaming down my face and then I broke into this incredible sobbing episode...while this tattered old man took my arm and guided me toward a bus shelter and sat down with me.

For nearly an hour, I sat there pouring my heart out to this person who had no home, who had not appeared to have shaved in a month of sundays, whose clothes were tattered and torn and who was on the street begging for work just to buy food. He said to me, "Son, God loves you so much that he gave his only son that whosever shall believeth in him shall not perish but will have everlasting life".

He continued, "God has put you through a test of faith, my friend, just as he did to Job. It's not for us to wonder or second-guess why God allows things to happen to us, but we must trust that it's all necessary in his plan for our life. Look to God for your answers, not man, because everything begins and end with the good man above."

He asked me to pray with him and I bowed my head and let this old man lead the prayer and a peace came over me that reached into my heart. Afterwards, I got up and asked him to come with me to my home and share my food, which was nothing but the leftover items in the fridge. He politely declined, telling me to go home and get into the word of God and save my food. I reached into my pocket and all I had to offer him was my Grandfather's pearl handled pocket knife, and as he reached out to shake my hand, I slipped this heirloom into his. He once more, said "God Bless You, Son" and we departed.

When I arrived home, I went to my bedroom to get my bible and noticed that I had several messages on the answering machine. Ignoring the messages, I sat down in my favorite chair and opened the bible, turning to the book of Job. Immersed in reading of Job's misfortunes, I suddenly looked around me and saw my home, the pictures of my family on the mantle, and the wedding portrait of my wife.

Lowering my head, I prayed in submission to my Father in heaven, in the name of his holy son, Jesus, with all of my heart and soul. Without him, I was nothing, had nothing, and could obtain nothing worthwhile. I prayed for strength to endure the trials, courage to face my life with whatever he wanted me to have and forgiveneness of remembered and forgotten sins. My heart was full of praise to him, even in my misery, did I praise his holy name.

Time stopped for me, as I continued in the word for such a long time, reading and absorbing, praying and crying....until I closed the bible and got up to answer the phone. It was my daughter, she was crying and I could not understand what she was trying to say to me, except "We love you Daddy"!

The line suddenly went dead and immediately began to ring again. My heart jumped, thinking that it was my daughter calling me again, and it was my other best friend, from my childhood, whom I had left the message what seemed like months before. "Hi Buddy, how are ya"? My mind was in a momentary daze, where had this person been?

Surely he had heard...."Sorry, that I haven't gotten back with you but I have been out of the country. The new job has been hectic, they put me on a plane to Europe, the first week to settle a software glitch in the Belgium office and I just got back late last night. How's the family? Can't wait to see you, I brought some gifts for everyone and I have the money that you loaned me. By this time, I could barely talk to him, holding back even more tears.. He continued telling me he would stop by later, with a pizza and some beer, so we could do some catching up. Not really feeling like a beer, I half-heartedly laughed, holding back even more tears, telling him, "He'd better plan on staying for awhile, matter of fact, you better bring several "BIG PIZZA'S".

You sit for a moment, thinking about the previous phone call from your daughter, and remember to check your messages. Listening to message upon message from bill collectors, you delete them one by one, not really wanting to think about bills tonight.

A new message, with a familiar voice, it's the last person in the world that you expected to hear from...."Hey, I need you to call me when you get this message, if you can't reach me at the office, call my home, it's important"! It was my old boss and I'm thinking, "Imagine, the nerve of that guy, what on earth could he possibly have to say to me that could be more urgent than what he had already said"?

The next message was from my daughter, "Daddy, we love you and miss you". "Why haven't you called, are you alright"? Foregoing the message from my ex-boss for the time being, contemplating whether to even return the call or not, I call my friends house and my wife answers. "Hi, so glad that you finally called", she said. "The kids and I are fine, and we miss you so much", she continued. Before she could say anything else, I interrupted her, "I miss all of you too, but you left me, I am at home, and have been at home. You left me a note, remember, telling me that you were leaving me.

She started crying, "I did what I thought was best for everyone, especially the children. You were really worrying me, you changed into something that I just could not deal with, and you frightened the children. You were acting like a total stranger to us, critical of our every move in the home, insulting friends, and the children were in fear of becoming homeless and were losing their self esteem. "Your Attorney contacted me, too," I said, wondering if he was going to charge me for the appointment.

"I'm sorry, honey, but I didn't know what to do, I've been trying to think outside the box, for the welfare of the children." She replied. As much as I tried to avoid the next statement, I couldn't help myself, "So you pack up the kids and the dog and move in with MY FRIEND?" She responded, "Please don't go there, it is definately not what you think, he has not been here, he has been on the west coast and is returning this weekend." She continued explaining, "He called one day for you and after explaining to him what was going on, he offered his condo for the kids and myself to stay while you sorted everything out."

Agitated she asked, "Why, What are you implying"? Suddenly, my heart jumped! She asked again, "Hello...what exactly were you thinking"? I stammered.."Your note, remember?" "I am leaving you", I said. "And you thought... that I was carrying on with him"? Surely, after 15 years of marriage, you know me better than that," she replied. "So, you're coming home"? I asked wondering if I should call my friend to postpone his visit..."We can work through this problem,with God's help, anything is possible.", I said.

She replied, "I know, darling, the kids and I have been studying the word and praying every night that God will heal our family". It's rather late, and the children are ready for bed, we will be home in the morning". "Fine, I love you", I said. She whispered, "And we love you, too, Goodnight"!

The doorbell wrang, it was my friend, with "7 giant Pizza Extravaganza's" stacked up in front of him. "Grab these, while I get the rest of the packages from the car", he said.

In the meantime, the phone rang as I had reached the kitchen, the voice on the other end was my ex boss. "Man, you are hard to get in touch with", he said. "I've left message upon message for you and was beginning to think that you had left the country". Listening to him, I was thinking, he wasn't too far away from the truth"...as I had contemplated disappearing at one point.

"Look, I'm really sorry about what happened but we have had a new development in the organization and due to a merger, we have just expanded our product line and feel that you are the only person that can take on a project of this size", he said. Not wanting to be too eager, I hesitated before entering into the conversation and let him continue.... "The VIP's have given me complete autonomy in negotiating this deal with you and I am prepared to give you a substantial salary increase, an initial up-front bonus in the amount of $15,000.00, a reasonable profit margin, and a signed contract that will ensure your continued employment with this company. You don't have to give me an answer now, take the weekend to think it over and call me Sunday night with an answer. If you agree, be here Monday morning around 8AM to sign the papers and be ready to get it rolling, ok?"

"Sure, I'll give it some thought and get back with you, hey, thanks for calling", I said, feeling numb all over. My friend walked in with packages falling all over the place, "Here let me help you, what did you do, win the lottery", I asked? He replied, handing me over $2000.00 in cash, "Nah, just spent my bonus, couldn't forget my friends...so where's everyone, man I want to see their faces, when they they open these presents"! "They're over at a friends and will be returning in the morning, just spoke with the wife and told her you were coming by. They're looking forward to seeing you and hearing about your trip!" "So what's new with you, and what about that "Urgent" message on my machine"? "Yeah, that, sorry, just had a minor detour on the road of life, and needed to talk, but it's fine now! Couldn't help myself, but I said..."Man, do you ever pray"? He smiled..."Yeah, all the time, God is my Strength and my Redeemer, isn't he great"? "Yeah...he sure is, now tell me about that trip"!

© 2004 Deborah Nuckles
All Rights Reserved

So That's What "GodSpeed" Means!!

2006-07-21T23:04:00.000-04:00

We've been taught that God is omnipresent, meaning that he is in all places at all times. For earthbound humans to grasp this concept truly, facts and figures are available which may bring this into the proper earthly perspective.

Based upon concepts of known and hypothetical theories.
1. The universe is an estimated 10 billion years old
2. Light travels @ 186,000 miles per second.

Question: for God to be everywhere in the universe at one time, what is His estimated speed of travel?

10,000,000,000 (years old) X 31,536,000 miles per second = 315 Quintillion 360 Quadrillion miles per second!

Note: A quintillion has 18 zeros in it. (Gee, I can't fathom that figure)

Some scientists believe that the universe maybe 15 - 20 billion years old which would double the above numbers! The earth is estimated at 4.5 billion years old.
This theory is based on 1 entity occupying 1 space at 1 time. And does not consider the concept that God permeates everything in the universe at one time.

Incredible, you think? Yes, he is!

Ultimate Compassion

2006-07-21T22:58:00.000-04:00

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She repeated the words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated due to the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand.

The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.

All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.

Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father" she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me. I stayed."

The next time someone needs you...be there. Stay. You'll be glad you did.

Worth Mentioning....I believe!

2006-07-18T00:13:00.000-04:00

Zechariah 12
1The burden of the word of the LORD for Israel, saith the LORD, which stretcheth forth the heavens, and layeth the foundation of the earth, and formeth the spirit of man within him.

2Behold, I will make Jerusalem a cup of trembling unto all the people round about, when they shall be in the siege both against Judah and against Jerusalem.

3And in that day will I make Jerusalem a burdensome stone for all people: all that burden themselves with it shall be cut in pieces, though all the people of the earth be gathered together against it.

4In that day, saith the LORD, I will smite every horse with astonishment, and his rider with madness: and I will open mine eyes upon the house of Judah, and will smite every horse of the people with blindness.

5And the governors of Judah shall say in their heart, The inhabitants of Jerusalem shall be my strength in the LORD of hosts their God.

6In that day will I make the governors of Judah like an hearth of fire among the wood, and like a torch of fire in a sheaf; and they shall devour all the people round about, on the right hand and on the left: and Jerusalem shall be inhabited again in her own place, even in Jerusalem.

7The LORD also shall save the tents of Judah first, that the glory of the house of David and the glory of the inhabitants of Jerusalem do not magnify themselves against Judah.

8In that day shall the LORD defend the inhabitants of Jerusalem; and he that is feeble among them at that day shall be as David; and the house of David shall be as God, as the angel of the LORD before them.

9And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.

10And I will pour upon the house of David, and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the spirit of grace and of supplications: and they shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him, as one mourneth for his only son, and shall be in bitterness for him, as one that is in bitterness for his firstborn.

11In that day shall there be a great mourning in Jerusalem, as the mourning of Hadadrimmon in the valley of Megiddon.

12And the land shall mourn, every family apart; the family of the house of David apart, and their wives apart; the family of the house of Nathan apart, and their wives apart;

13The family of the house of Levi apart, and their wives apart; the family of Shimei apart, and their wives apart;

14All the families that remain, every family apart, and their wives apart

Putin: Can Control The Weather

2006-07-16T22:18:00.000-04:00

1 John 3:2 Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

Antichrist and his representatives may try to imitate 1 John 3:2 and 1 Corinthians 15:51,52. Those who do not recognize and resist antichrist when he comes may find themselves suddenly transformed and empowered by his presence. The experiencing of new powers and supernatural abilities may be so intoxicating that it will deceive people into believing that antichrist is the true Christ

LAST WEEK Dick Cheney was the target. On Saturday it was President Bush. Then came Tony Blair. No one, it seems, is immune from Vladimir Putin’s acid tongue.
World leaders must have been wondering yesterday who would be next, after the Kremlin chief had embarrassed two of his guests at the G8 summit here with barbed jokes about their democratic records.

But they were powerless to respond to a man at the pinnacle of his political career and at the helm of a resurgent economic powerhouse.

“What can you say to a man who controls the weather?” asked one Western diplomat after Russian authorities were reported to have scrambled cloud-seeding jets to disperse a rainstorm.

Source: World News

Laugh, Ladies!!!

2006-07-15T21:57:00.000-04:00

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him;And Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death!AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Children's Science Exam

2006-07-15T21:55:00.000-04:00

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Near by.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight