Wednesday, December 21, 2005


GEW: That's not a firehose, that's my butt
Pros: works fast, one dose, very effective
Cons: works FAST, VERY effective

Full Review

I wish I could put it in the right place, but I can't.I like to keep myself pretty healthy, and I'm not afraid of natural body functions, so this seemed like a good topic of review for me. To start off, I needed to be constipated. To accomplish this, I have been eating lots of dairy and red meat, and almost no vegetables or fiber this week. I didn't completely plug up the pipes, but things did slow way down.My wife is a fourth year pharmacy student, so I asked her for the best laxative product on the market. She told me, "If you need to go, use Mag-Citrate." I don't like to do things half way, so I went with her suggestion.

Walgreens, The Pharmacy America Trusts

I went to Walgreens and found the store brand of Magnesium Citrate in the constipation section. A 10oz bottle was $1.99, which seems very reasonable to me. The instructions say that an adult should take the entire 10 ounces of green liquid, followed by a full glass of water. I made my purchase from the very helpful pharmacist and went home to try out my product.

The Green Machine

I'm not a big medicine person. When I was young, I tried to figure out any way possible to take medicine without it being medicine. I would grind up pills and mix them with sugar or apple sauce. If I had to take any kind of cough syrup, I would wash my tongue off with soap and then brush my teeth after. I don't like to take medicine.

I opened my bottle of green yuck and chugged it. Not a great taste by any means, but I got it down. I quickly drank not one, as recommended on the bottle, but two full glasses of water, then started brushing my teeth.

I've got the urge to burble! Before I finished brushing my top molars, I felt a shift in my intestines. Things were starting to flow. Things were starting to churn, and burble and twist. Realizing that something was afoot, I began to brush faster. After a few seconds, my toothbrush began to fly and I started making strange squeaking noises from my nose in an attempt to encourage myself to go faster.

Then I threw the toothbrush in the sink, yanked my pants down and flew ass-first across the room to the toilet. Thank God my wife has trained me to leave the seat down! Did someone open a fire hydrant?


My wife was not kidding when she recommended this as the best laxative on the market. I haven't taken all of them, so I can't say for sure, but I don't imagine that anything could act any faster or clear my bowels any more effectively. In less than 5 minutes after I took the bottle, everything I have ever eaten in my whole life had passed through my intestines.

I think I saw Jimmy Hoffa go by, but I kept flushing to keep the room from overflowing, so I can't be sure. OK, that might be an understatement. It was much much worse. I'm sure you've had that feeling where your body gets strangely warm and tingly and odd sensation when you really have to go.

It was like that for about 10 minutes while I groaned, cramped, and rocketed around the room.This stuff works! Maybe I should have been really constipated before using it instead of just bogged down a little.

First Rule of Magnesium Citrate: If you need to go, use Mag-Citrate!It keeps going, and going, and going...After about 10 minutes of near constant flow, things began to settle down. I would guess that was because my body was completely empty. I was basically a burlap bag at that point. Had I eaten anything, I imagine that it would have fallen out before I finished chewing. It would be like pouring water into a bucket with no bottom. I didn't actually try to eat anything, because I was afraid to leave the toilet.

Second Rule of Magnesium Citrate: If you use it, never venture more than 5 feet from an open toilet. After about 5 minutes of excretory inactivity, I felt some more motion in the bowel region. I wasn't feeling real good at that point, so I decided enough was enough, I took my anti-diarrheal medicine. From a medical standpoint, that might not have been the best idea, but it seemed logical at the time. Fortunately, I'm also doing a Great Epinions Write-Off on Anti-Diarrheal medicine, so I had some handy.

Third Rule of Magnesium Citrate: Block off about 3-4 hours in your datebook for personal time. Even after taking my Imodium, it was several several hours before I felt sure enough of myself to stray from the immediate area of the restroom. I didn't have any more attacks like the first one, but I did have to stop back a few times for honorable mentions.

Conclusion: If you are really constipated, and want relief NOW, Magnesium Citrate is the drug for you. This stuff isn't calm, gentle, overnight relief. This is the Navy Seal Hell-Week of laxatives. Your intestines and rear end will feel battered, weak, and abused by the time it's done, but the job it does is like no other.

Footnote: I now understand why the Jabberwock in Lewis Carroll's poem was so easy to slay. It burbled as it came. Obviously it had taken Magnesium Citrate prior to battle, and was just looking for a bathroom. After the boy killed it, he only took the head back. He couldn't stand to be around the rest of the body for obvious reasons.

Fourth Rule of Magnesium Citrate: Never enter battle against a beamish boy immediately after taking Magnesium Citrate.

Recommended: No
Amount Paid (US$): 1.99
Frequency of Use: Occasionally (a few times per year)
Extent of Symptom Relief: Immediate relief of all symptoms
Duration of Symptom Relief: 1 to 4 hoursBest for relieving: Completely plugged intestines
Extent of Side Effects: A few noticeable but tolerable effects
Worst side effect: Extreme poop

Source: MightyCow @



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