|1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.|
2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
3. Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
4. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
5. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
6. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
7. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
8. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
9. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
10. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
11. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
12. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
13. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
14. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
15. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
16. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Position: Mother, Mum, Mama, Ma, Mom
|POSITION: Mother, Mum, Mama, Ma|
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in sometimes, far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable oneminute,! an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that further education will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Happy Mom's Day to ME and Every Mom In The World!!!
|What is a Mother? She's probably the only "best" friend you will ever have in your lifetime. She is the person that stays awake at night until you return home from your dates....who lies awake in anguish and worry when she hears siren's blaring out in the night. She is the one that loves you no matter what, whether you are wrong or right, guilty or innocent....she's your Mom.|
She is exquisitely designed and is loaded with features like a super hard resilient shell that allows her to put up with backtalk, sassiness, and blatant rudeness at times, a superb mind of logic equipped to deal with most acts of rebelliousness, a front end loader that forces you to be neat or frustrates you until you bend...and above all a giant heart that has all the compassion in the world to comfort you when you are unhappy, sick or about to give up on your goals.
My Mother died years ago, and I would give anything to hear her voice, look into her eyes, or touch her hand.
We tend to get so caught up with our families and daily lives, that we forget that Mom is still around....but when we are all grown up with our own families, it seems our Mothers are only with us for such a short time. Don't wait until Mother's day to show her how much she means to you. Maybe you have hostility stemming from resentment or issues with your Mother that need to be addressed. Whether she is here or not, today is a good day to release those negative vibes and give her a call if she's alive or say a prayer if she isn't.
Mother's are very special....they are the "vehicle" you arrived in, on this plane of existence. You take care of your personal vehicle that transports you to your job each day!!
Think of all of the things that your Mom does to irritate, annoy, make you laugh or cry. One day you will long for those things. Believe me, that will happen some day. So treasure your Mother not only on holidays, but everyday!
This goes for husbands as well....especially to those working Mom's
Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, May 12, 2006
OdeTo The Illegal Alien
Americans Are Crossing Into Mexico to Look for Better Jobs
|NOGALES, Mexico___Armed Mexican vigilantes are patrolling the Mexico-Arizona desert border region to prevent crossings from the USA into Mexico by Americans seeking a better life.|
Pedro Lopez, head of Mexicanos No Gringos, which has set up surveillance posts along the desert crossing, says, "Americanos try to get into Mexico to take our good jobs, buy cheap tequilla and gas, find putas in Juarez, escape Bush's dictatorship, and they send our pesos back to their poor families in Idaho."
Lopez twirled his mustache. "They never learn our language and eat white bread instead of tortillias!"
Fred Jones, an undocumented resident of Mexico City, who entered the country from the USA in 1989 and picks tomatoes at a local farm said, "My children were born here and are legal Mexican citizens! We reverse wetbacks are planning to stage huge protest marches throughout Mexican cities to become legal citizens of this great democracy, We work hard and take jobs the Mexicans won't do, like run motels and operate convenience stores
Source: Art Candell
|Very Thought Provoking........|
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans - It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division!
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number, what does it mean?
Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.
Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787
Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Hey, Washington, D.C............................Are all your calculators broken?
Friday, May 05, 2006
|A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.|
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
When Boozin Babes Drink Too Much.......
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Unavoidable Laws Of The Universe
|1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.|
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.